There was a peer student in my Money Coach Training. She scared the bejeezus out of me. I didn’t want to coach her with a 10 foot pole. My thought was something like: I can’t ask her about “that” (whatever “that” was at the time) because she is slippery and avoids answering the questions, and I will look like a fool.
Rather quickly (and conveniently), I found myself not liking her. I thought she skillfully skirted the questions asked of her and strategically posed random philosophical questions designed to keep things light and off topic.
My light bulb moment came when I realized that “not liking her” was WAY easier than not liking myself, feeling like a weenie for backing off, and feeling weak for not respecting my own thoughts and input.
Once I figured out what was going on with this complete cyber stranger I had met on the forum just two weeks earlier, I saw this happening with a multitude of other people in my life.
I looked at all the people I didn’t like in my life, and then saw that “not liking them” was me avoiding something I didn’t like in myself that came up for me about me in relation to that person.
These people triggered my own self-loathing and then became a diversionary target. It was just so much easier to avoid looking at myself by focusing on them and all the evidence I had gathered for not liking them. Hating on them was easier than admitting I was hating on myself.
The people I defend against the most (the people I don’t like) are the ones who have the most to teach me. I create all that pomp, righteousness, finger-pointing, and blame and hope to God no one sees in me the perceived inadequacy I so desperately don’t want to see in myself.